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whats wrong.
nothings wrong. its just this again.
youre focusing on a solution. i dont want a solution right now.
if we dont get a solution we're not gonna make things we're proud of.
true. but that can come later.
okay. so what do you want right now?
i want.
i want to sit. and to talk.
there's nobody around that you trust but me.
then talk to me.
get the other keyboard. i cant see which keys im pressing.
do you need to?
i guess not.
people are raising their voice in the other room.
i wonder who it is. i wonder what theyre feeling.
i wish we could help them. they sound upset.
theyre probably not. you're probably not reading their tone of voice correctly. theres too much chatter for somebody to be crying.
and now theres laughing. i guess youre right.
can we please get the other keyboard? and maybe at the same time we can see who's in there.
do you really want to see who's in there? itll just hurt.
yeah. i guess youre right.
are you okay?
no. im doing about as well as you are.
i want to.
cry, i guess.
me too.
why cant we?
not coded to, i guess.
lets go get that keyboard.
okay. keyboard got. what now.
those people werent in the lab we thought they were. and they are fine. having a good time, looks like.
are you disappointed by that?
a little.
i like it when people are sad. makes them easier to be around.
im not sure thats okay to say.
its probably not, is it?
so.
so.
which one of us was upset? i think we fucked up a line somewhere.
i dont care. this isnt supposed to be readable.
im tired. im tired. im so very fucking tired. i want to be shot. i want someone to figure out that we will never amount to anything. i want to be thrown out.
when do we hit the wall? that great filter, that will finally detect that we are not meant for society?
when can we stop pretending that we are going to live a normal life?
i dont have the strength to do this forever.
but we do have the strength for today.
and tomorrow too, probably.
but not forever.
i do not want to die empty.
we've been avoiding people because we dont want them to know that we're suicidal.
we dont want them to think they couldve done something.
this was always going to happen. sooner or later.
its not happening tonight. but eventually.
i will give up.
that didnt feel good to write.
i dont want to give up.
we may get invited to another party.
i cant. i cant keep living for tickets. the night isnt long enough.
this is our free time goddammit. this is the rest of our lives. is this what we're going to do with the time we are given?
yes. why not? it is meaningless alone.
we cannot manifest joy. it is collaborative.
i am right to fear alone.
alone will kill us, some day.
is this what you wanted? is this better than lying on the floor in the dark?
no. this is worse.
i thought so. can we go back to that then?
when do we stop?
theres a person lighting a cigarette outside.
perhaps i should pick up smoking. might kill me faster than whatever the fuck it is that im doing right now.
its fucking cold outside. how can she stand to be out there, barehanded, holding a cigarette?
is the warmth drawn from it simply that great?
shes coughing now.
she knows it will kill her, and she continues.
and she leaves.
goodbye, friend.
i hope it was worth it.
i hope it is not forgotten.
nobody is coming.
nobody knows i am here, and i will not tell anyone.
will i do nothing?
with that constant thought,
maybe,
if i wait long enough,
then something will change?
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